McDonalds Doesn’t Serve Coffee?

Today is Father’s Day. As a rare treat, Handsome Boy and I snuck to McDonalds to pick up breakfast for Handsome Dad. What should have been a simple, ordinary task, turned into a frustrating ordeal.

(At the drive-though order box thing)

Employee: Generic McDonalds greeting and order request
Me: I’ll have a number 4(?) with a large sweet tea (Handsome Dad’s order) and a number 5(?) with…

Now at this point I couldn’t see the full menu as there was a big pole blocking the drinks. I was tired from a rough night with Handsome Boy, and coffee sounded good. I had a vague memory of a long ago commercial for flavored coffees that may or may not have been available at McDonalds. So I asked:

Me: What flavor coffees do you have?
Employee: Vanilla, caramel and hazelnut
Me: I’ll have a large caramel coffee
Employee: Gives order total and instructs me to proceed to the window

I paid at the appropriate window and drove forward to pick up the meals. I was handed the bag and peeked in to verify all of our food was there. It was. Next was Handsome Dad’s large sweet tea. So far so good. I placed it in the cup holder and reached back out the window for my coffee. That’s when I saw it. The employee was handing me an iced coffee. Take a moment and read back over the transcript. Really, go read it. Good. Now, did you read the word “iced” anywhere? No? Neither did I. I didn’t ask for the flavors of the iced coffees. I didn’t ask for a large iced caramel coffee. I pulled my hand back into the car and calmly informed the employee of the error.

Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t ask for an iced coffee.
Employee: Oh, you want a hot coffee?
Me: Yes, a hot coffee
Employee: Ok, pull over into parking space 1.

I pulled into the spot and waited, rolling my eyes. I mean, who drinks iced coffee for breakfast? Blech! (I’m sorry if you drink iced coffee for breakfast – this is in no way a reflection on my opinion of you or your beverage choices) Iced coffee is great on a hot afternoon, but in the morning I like my coffee hot! After a few minutes, during which Handsome Boy was none too happy to be sitting in an unmoving car, an employee walked up to my window carrying a drink. I reached my hand out, then let go again. The cup was cold. It was the same coffee they had already tried to give me, minus the ice. But still not a hot coffee. At this point I was getting a little irritated.

Me: This is cold. I asked for a HOT coffee.
Employee: Oh, you want a hot coffee?
Me: Yes, a HOT coffee.
Employee: What flavor:
Me: Caramel
Employee: A hot caramel coffee?
Me: Yes. A HOT caramel coffee.

She returned to the restaurant and I again waited, and attempted to entertain and increasingly upset Handsome Boy. At long last I could see an employee approaching with an insulated HOT coffee cup in hand. She handed me, and explained MY mistake:

Employee: We don’t serve hot coffee.
Employee: Next time you ask for a caramel hot mocha
Me: Ok?
Employee: We don’t serve coffee here

Ok, now I realize that there are a number of factors that culminated in a perfect storm to create this morning’s escapades. First, I don’t frequent the Great Golden Arches often enough to have their menu replicated in the cellulite dimples on my rear end, so I always feel flustered while trying to read the tiny print on the big board and order as fast as I can so as not to hold up the line a second longer than I have to. Second, there was the aforementioned pole blocking from my sight the crucial beverage information which would have explained to me my available coffee choices. Third, I assume that when I asked for the coffee flavors, the employee (who knows hot coffee does not come flavored) assumed I meant iced coffee flavors, when in fact I did not. Fourth, I assumed she knew I meant hot coffee when I really only said coffee (because who means iced coffee when they say coffee? anyone?). Anyway, that’s a lot of assuming, and well, you know the saying. But all was well in the end, and some time next year when I attempt to order a super mcfatty breakfast meal again, I may or may not remember to order a caramel hot MOCHA, if that is even still the proper terminology by then.